Posted by: ImpendingDawn | May 31, 2010

Where Have I Been?

Yesterday was the last day of YC 2010… for those of you who are unaware of the awesomeness of YC, I shall waste a little of your time in an attempt to explain it. Basically, a bunch of people get together for a weekend of worship, guest speakers, and amazing concerts. I suppose you could call it “Christian.” There are quite a few around the world, but this particular one had around 17 000 people in attendence.

All in all, I had quite an eventful weekend. Sure, I sang and danced. I laughed and posed for pictures with friends. I stayed up way too late and got up way too early.

I also heard the voice of the Lord again.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a while. A long while. I made a commitment at the beginning of the year to read my Bible every day, and I have stayed true to that commitment. However, I’ve realized that I’m using it as an excuse for spending less time with God, rather than more. (So I didn’t take time to talk with God today, but oh well. I read a chapter in my Bible.) I’ve been acting like a good little Christian on the outside, yet totally neglecting my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

So that’s where my relationship with God was at the beginning of this weekend. Stalemate.

Then, during worship one day, I felt a little tug on my heart. I ignored it, as has become my custom, and continued singing while refusing to feel any of the emotion that should accompany worship. Afterward, the speaker took the stage. Nothing he said really grabbed my attention, and for a while I zoned out. Then he said something to the effect of: “Girls, you are beautiful. You do not need a man to tell you that. You were created by the Lord, and He knows the truth. You are beautiful.” My heart’s shield started to crack.

From a very young age, I have had deep struggles with self-esteem. Feeling important or worthwhile in any way, much less beautiful, is a very rare thing for me to experience. A person actually telling me I’m beautiful happens even less often. Creating an even more emotionally charged situation, I had recently developed extremely strong feelings for a close friend of mine. I hoped that might he be the first to treat me like I deserved, the first to see my actual beauty.

He wasn’t. He didn’t see. He didn’t care.

So I was getting a little teary.

I don’t remember exactly what the speaker said after that, for it was then that I heard God again.

“Hello, child. Where have you been?”

I started sobbing.

“Where have I been, Lord? Where have I gone? Why have I pushed you away?”

I was calling to Him again, and he was answering.

It was beautiful.

Living rain, fall again
Over my life over my land
Living rain wash my heart again

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