Posted by: ImpendingDawn | June 28, 2010

THE UNKNOWN IS KIND OF SCARY

Normally I have some sort of monumental occasion or situation to base my posts around, but that is not the case today. In fact, I may not have one in a while.

School is over. 13 years of sweat and tears is finally over!

Now what?

In the past few years, all I ever wanted was a chance to relax for a while, a couple seconds to breathe. It felt like I had no time to do anything fun. My life consisted of school, work, studying, tests, homework, responsiblities, drama, problems… At points, my intense stress culminated into either physical sickness (the worst point being where I had to take medicine to help my stomach digest food) or mental sickness (intense depression).

Here is an excerpt from a blurb I wrote during one of those “mental sickness” times:

What would I tell you if I could let you in?
“Life is just too hard for me…
I can’t handle it.
I feel worthless and useless and ugly and boring and rejected
and too busy to breathe and hating the fact that I’m still breathing in general
Because that means I’m still here.”

Still here. For what?
Nothing.

But now… now I have an entirely different problem. I have the entire summer ahead of me, with nothing to worry about except getting to work on time (which is kind of an issue sometimes – I can be QUITE the procrastinator).

So today I got up and prepared to relax.

And then I realized that I have no idea how to relax anymore.

I thrive on plans and busyness and trying to stuff as much as possible into a single 24-hour period. I have become accustomed to having little to no time for myself. I have become a master multitasker… except when it comes to holding the phone and doing the dishes at the same time. Yeahh…

For me, both being too busy and not busy enough lead to feeling devoid of purpose… I need plans and structure. Adrift in a sea of unknowns, I feel lost. But perhaps I simply need to learn to see the purpose of time itself, for rest and relaxation. Maybe, knowing my personality of extremes, catapulting from one extreme to another will inspire me to find a healthy balance between the two.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But, I guess I’ll see what happens. Hey, I’ve got time.

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