Posted by: ImpendingDawn | September 20, 2010


Someone recently asked me what I wanted to get out of life. Taken aback, I pondered the question for a good amount of time before I replied with one simple word: happiness.

It’s true. That’s all I want.

I know that statement will make many people think I’m some sort of foolish teen going after the stereotypical “good life.” You know, the money, the cushy job, the nice house. Or perhaps the more recent American dream: high-powered executive job, trendy loft, and – of course – the money.

No. I just want to be happy.

I want to wake up in the morning excited for a new day. I want to throw myself into everything I do, and truly care about everyone I meet. I want to be able to go to sleep at night without self-hatred squeezing a vice around my neck. I want to live.

How? Through God, of course. I know that. So why don’t I just surrender?

It feels like the part of my heart that was once capable of doing that is dead. I’ve lost my faith and turned to fact. I bleed for the trust I once placed in my Savior, I ache for the One I used to call Father.

And what has replaced this relationship, the one that used to hold a place of honor at the centre of my life? Anger. Hatred. Jealousy. Lust. Loneliness.  Where once I used to go through each day comfortable in the knowledge that Jesus was with me always, now I feel as though He’s been demoted to the role of spectator. He used to call the shots; now He watches as I play an entirely different game.

I suppose I’m angry at Him. Everything would be so much easier if He would just leap off the bench, smack me in the face, and order me to play by His rules.

However, as much as I might wish otherwise, life wasn’t designed to be easy. It was designed to be BLOODY DIFFICULT. But seriously.

Maybe one day I’ll finally wake up and realize I’ve been playing the wrong game all along. Maybe then I’ll be able to look out at the world and say, “Hey, I know I’ve made some mistakes. I know I’m not perfect. And I’m going to stop beating myself up about that. I am ready to join THE GAME OF LIFE.”

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.


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