Posted by: ImpendingDawn | October 3, 2010

Coincidence? I think not.

Today at 3:00 in the morning, I will be cut-free for two weeks.

TWO WEEKS.

Unless you struggle with addiction as strongly as I do, you will not understand how much of an accomplishment this is for me. Before now, the longest I had managed to go without a cut is one week. And at the end of that record-breaking week, I went all manic-depressive and broke another record by cutting myself deeply eight times within 3 minutes.

Needless to say, I am a lot happier about this record.

Another bit of news: For the first time in months, I finally feel like God is real. He’s not just some being that’s too far to reach. He’s here with me. Right now.

Last night I went to see a worship concert with a few friends. The concert itself didn’t particularly interest me – I didn’t even know the band – I just wanted to have a good night with some fantastic people. And I did. However, a little ways into the concert, they all started truly worshipping the Lord. Some were swaying, some had their hands raised and their eyes closed… I watched jealously out of the corner of my eyes. I felt like they were all touching something I couldn’t feel. Why couldn’t I feel anything? What was wrong with me?

Let Me in.

That tingling rush went through my body, and I knew it was God.

My response, however, was entirely unexpected:

“No! Never. Never again. Just leave me alone. PLEASE, just leave me alone!”

What? What was I saying? I didn’t want him to leave me! I never wanted to feel so alone again! But I began digging my nails into my palms, trying to bring myself to reality through pain. It didn’t work. The tingling persisted. He wouldn’t leave. At a loss, I managed to distract myself by staring at the musician’s (flipping awesome) shoes until the feeling faded.

God wouldn’t let me go, though.

The next morning, every fibre of my mind screaming against being awake again so early after such a late night, I dragged myself out of bed to get ready for church. Despite everything – including the sad fact that some of my closest friends had just decided to leave the church and this would be the first Sunday without them – I actually WANTED to go.

On the way there, my mom said that she had some news about my cousin. I had been thinking about him a lot over the past month or so, and I was immediately interested in what she had to say.

My cousin’s girlfriend is five weeks pregnant. My cousin is 21, his girlfriend 19. I was not impressed. I always had such high hopes for my cousin, and there was no room for a baby in any of my happy scenarios.

Sullen, I went into the service. The first topic for the day was abortion. “There are no ‘accidents.’ Sure, maybe the parents weren’t planning on getting pregnant. Maybe some people will see the baby as an inconvenience, and maybe some will be so opposed to the idea that they are willing to murder their unborn child. Perhaps nobody can see a purpose for the child, BUT GOD DOES. GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET, AND THE FACT THAT WE DO NOT HAVE A PLAN FOR THE CHILD DOESN’T MEAN THAT GOD DOESN’T.”

The next topic was suicide. Much to my surprise, my pastor was suicidal at a certain time in his life, and his wife just “happening” to round a corner with his twin girls stopped him from jumping off a bridge and ending his life. By this time in the service, tears were silently rolling down my cheeks. How many times had I considered the same thing? How many times had I written off my pastor as a role model because “He would never understand?”

Last, we watched a movie about a man asking God to “chisel” him in His image. Near the end of it, the Lord asked if the man was ready to let go of some things he had been holding on to for a while. After hesitating, the man said yes. Then he stopped God. “Wait. I don’t think you really want to see what those things I’m holding on to are. I’ve got some pretty scary stuff in my mind.” God assured Him that He could handle it, and tried to continue. “Wait. Why are you even wasting your time trying to fix me? I’m so broken. I’m just a useless piece of junk.” My heart has wailed those words for years now, and I began shaking as even more tears poured down my cheeks.

You are mine. You are my creation, and I do not create junk. You are my masterpiece.

I don’t really know what else to say, other than sometimes situations aren’t accidental. Sometimes God goes to great lengths to make sure we’re in the right place at the right time. Sometimes He lets us go so we can feel how safe His arms are afterward.

So I guess what I’m getting at is this: There are no coincidences. I once believed that everything happened for a reason. With the grace of God, I will believe that again.

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