Posted by: ImpendingDawn | November 17, 2010

Attack Attack!

Spiritual attacks come in many forms. Oftentimes I am attacked by a nearly unquenchable impulse to self-harm.

Only a day after I wrote my last post about surrendering to God again, I began to struggle with an intense, permeating darkness. It weighed down my heart and infiltrated my mind. I had constant visions of a blade running across my wrists and blood mixed with black liquid leaking out of my skin. In my mind, there was no other way of coping with the darkness.

My record, as of 3:00 this morning, is 58 days.

58 days without cutting. I made it through.

Those few days, however, were awful. I cried out to God, pleading with Him to save me. But His quiet strength and tender embrace were not enough. Couldn’t He see that I needed Him to rush in, sword drawn, eyes blazing, and kill the demon that was haunting me? Couldn’t He see? Didn’t He care? I prayed and prayed, but lost my faith. My grip on Him faltered, and I began tumbling into the abyss.

Then I did something that I have never done before. Fully prepared to go into my room and carve my arms to ribbons, I cried out to someone else. A person.

And with his help, I went to bed that night with clean wrists and the assurance that someone loved me no matter what demons I struggled with. Yes, opening up about personal issues is a struggle for anyone. It’s terrifying to become to so vulnerable.

But sometimes, vulnerability is exactly what we need. Sometimes the knowledge that someone is there for you is the only ammunition required to fend off another attack.

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