Posted by: ImpendingDawn | December 18, 2010

Swearing makes me feel better :)

I am damn tired of letting my insecurities ruin my life.

I am friggen SICK of rotting away in a cage of depression that I built myself. Why can’t I beat this; why can’t I allow myself to be happy? Isn’t happiness what people want? Every single time someone tries to help me, I pull the chains tighter around myself. I am my biggest problem, my own worst critic.

What is wrong with me?!

I’m cheating myself out of so much. Just last week I went to the waterpark with some friends. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good time. However, it could have been so much better if I had just banished my insecurities and allowed myself to have a decent amount of fun.

Relaxing in the hot tub for any amount of time nearly drove me to paralysis with terror. Hot water makes scars more prominent, and I could not bear it if my friends saw the evidence of my self-harm. Running into the wave pool was out of the question, as I’m horribly self-conscious and didn’t want to draw attention to myself – and my imperfect body – in any way. I was even hesitant about looking directly at anyone around me, as chlorine does awful things to my skin and I didn’t want them to see my red, blotchy face.

Fail.

These people are my FRIENDS. They love me for me, not for what I look like. And they’ve told me so, numerous times. Several of them became friends with me before I bought my first straightener, discovered makeup, or had any resemblance of style. *gasp!* So why is it so hard for me to trust them?

It seems that I’ve convinced myself that if I’m pretty enough externally, nobody will notice how truly hideous I feel on the inside. I’m terrified that if I let anyone see what really goes on beneath my perfectly put together exterior, they will finally realize what a waste of a human being I am and ditch me like I deserve.

Kinda messed, up hey?

I am SO DONE with that. For two whole days this past week, I went about my daily tasks without feeling plagued by crippling self-hatred and weighed down by shame. Two days of happiness in a row is the best I’ve felt for the past three years. It was wonderful.

It was also pathetic.

Two. Days. SERIOUSLY?!

This must change. ASAP. The time has come for me to man up and tell my insecurities exactly what to do: Fuck off. Period.

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