Posted by: ImpendingDawn | February 1, 2011

Shtuff

Do you know what month it is…? FEBRUARY! THE MONTH OF LOVE! But more importantly… FEBRUARY! THE MONTH TO REVIEW RESOLUTIONS WHEN YOU’RE STILL FEELING LIKE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY SUCCEED FOR A FULL YEAR!

So let’s get started. ūüôā

1. Rebuild my relationship with Jesus.
This one… has been difficult. I’m trying. I’m improving. But I’m also becoming discouraged; the more I improve, the more evident the deterioration becomes. I really had no idea how far from God I had grown. HOWEVER, I need to focus on the fact that my trust in Him is slowly growing, and I’m learning to go to Him with my problems first rather than my friends and family. With time, I’m sure I’ll improve even more.

2. Read the Bible every day.
I have done this on all but two days this month. YAY!!!! One of those days I was extremely sick and decided to fall asleep while praying rather than try to stay awake to read a chapter. I would say that’s alright. The other day was not so justifiable… It was late at night and I just didn’t care enough to make time to read. I find that reading at night (or in the afternoon on my days off) works best for me, but maybe on days that I know I’ll be out late I should make a concerted effort to read immediately after work. There. Sounds like a plan.

3. Clean up my language.
I’m already losing motivation on this one. At¬†first things were going well… Then I began to notice more profanity sneaking its way into my conversations again. I knew I needed to come up with a concrete solution, so¬†I actually¬†began doing a¬†tally on my hand¬†to measure¬†how many times I swore out loud in a day. The results were alarming and I cut down almost immediately, but I stopped doing the tally after only a few days. I will start it again.

4. Get help for depression and cutting.
Great strides have been made in this area. Within the first week of January, I had decided that it would be in my best interest to get rid of the exacto knife I am supposed to carry at work. That helped immensely. Only a few days later, I gathered all the items in my room and bathroom that I had used for self-harm, wrote a note/prayer, tied everything together, and threw it in the garbage. It was wonderful.

And a couple of¬†weeks later, I came clean to my mom about my struggles with self-harm, and the fact that it arose from a deep depression I’ve been fighting on my own for years. I’m still not sure whether or not telling her¬†was a good idea, but nevertheless, I did it. And that takes courage.

Unfortunately,¬†I also had a¬†major pitfall in January. For a few days right at the end of the month, I was struggling with hopelessness. I put it out of my mind for the most part, but that was evidently a bad thing to do. Right when I least expected it, all of those suppressed feelings welled up and somehow I found myself ripping up my arms with my own nails. It was completely¬†demented, and it threw me back into depression for a short while again. However, rather than rot away in my own hopelessness, I reached out to some friends, read my Bible, and prayed, and now I’m hopeful that February will have a better ending than January.

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Responses

  1. I understand that there are ups and downs but I congrads you for the decision taken and your determination to make it work. Self harming is difficult and supported by the hopelessness. Bravo that you use the tools that you know that work, reaching to the Lord, friends and blessings in your life than focusing to the problem. Closer to God you come each time, He will release you from SH and give you full healing. I encourage you to try again and again, no matter how tiring it can be, and you will reach victory. Amen. Well done!


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