Posted by: ImpendingDawn | March 13, 2011

The world feels black.

I felt a panic attack coming on, so I prepared myself to dig my nails into my arms to stave it off. Then I remembered: March is my self-harm free month. Oh, that’s fine, I thought. There’s only a few more days of March anyway; then I’ll be free to do whatever I want.

IT’S ONLY MARCH 13TH. HOW THE F*CK IS THAT POSSIBLE?

How am I supposed to do this?

My mom had a dream that she saw me standing beside my anorexic cousin. She saw our gaunt cheeks, our frail bodies, our listless eyes… and she finally realized what had been happening right before her this entire time. She finally saw that I had been “going straight from one problem to another.”

I said nothing. I did not confirm, I did not contradict. That is simply because I am warring with myself. I am fighting to see a non-distorted image in the mirror. I’m trying so hard. I’m eating. Not as much as I should, maybe, but it’s more than I was a month ago.

I’m suffocating in this disgusting body. The fat is not coming off fast enough.

I’m addicted to my addictions. I can’t cope without my problems. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

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Responses

  1. Hey I know those feelings. THEY SUCK. *hug*


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