Posted by: ImpendingDawn | April 11, 2011

Plastic surgery FTW

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to write. She wrote CONSTANTLY. She would go to school and write poetry in the margins of her notes. She’d start novels in math class. She’d come up with song lyrics during gym. Writing was her only outlet; writing was the only place she could be herself.

Then she grew older, and people began to clamor, wanting to see the things she spent so much time writing. “No!” she thought. “Never. It’s all too raw, too emotional. Nobody is allowed to see that part of me.”

The idea intrigued her though… Could she perhaps refine her writing – make it a little more people-friendly and a little less harsh and honest – and let a select few see her inner thoughts? She so longed to be reassured of the value of her feelings and ideas. It seemed that nobody cared enough to listen, but maybe they’d care enough to read.

So all her thoughts were compressed and categorized into blog posts. She still flirted with darkness, touching on spiritual emptiness and her struggles with self-harm. Then she decided she was going to “get better” and spent all her time writing about positive things and strategies on improving her life. Soon afterward, she was writing from the other end of the spectrum. Intense depression permeated every post. THERE WAS NO BALANCE. She hated that, so she began beating herself up about it. “Why? Why can’t I just write? I used to be able to formulate my thoughts and still leave them fairly raw and emotional. Now my writing is either meaningless drivel or so structured that the emotion is sucked out.”

So that’s where I am now. Needing to find balance. Needing to learn to be myself.

Needing to accept the fact that neither my writing, my sense of style, my taste in music, my failures, or my successes define me as a person. Needing to realize that I AM ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY. I AM ALLOWED TO BE SAD. IT’S OKAY TO BE RIDDEN WITH DOUBT, JUST AS IT’S OKAY TO BE ENCOMPASSED BY JOYFUL CERTAINTY. If I am truly trying my best to quit self-harming, but slip up a few times, that’s alright. If I am really trying to maintain a healthy body image, but don’t eat for a few days and then binge on chocolate, that’s alright. Life is a learning process. As long as I’m still growing, it’s perfectly okay to fuck up every once in a while. Nobody ever learned to walk without falling on their face multiple times.

Let’s just hope I’ve got enough money for plastic surgery afterward. Hehe.

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Responses

  1. You are so right. I love how right you are. BOOKMARK THIS POST OR SOMETHING SO YOU CAN HAVE IT HANDY IF YOU’RE FEELIN CRAPPY! Your epiphanies are smart ones.

    • Hehe. Every once in a while I write these epic posts and I’m like “I AM TOTALLY STARTING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT!” Then I get depressed again and never reread the posts… Perhaps bookmarking would be a good idea… =P


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