Posted by: ImpendingDawn | May 1, 2011

Tiger’s Blood

My brain is so loud that I can’t think!

It keeps yelling and running around, racing in different directions. Also there’s a rather groggy, sluggish undertow to my every thought. SLEEP DEPRIVATION, MAN. It’s really not conducive to a clear blog post.

BUT OH WELL. I WANNA WRITE SOMETHING, DAMMIT.

Speaking of dammit, my language has taken an even deeper downturn; apparently my profanity filter is having some technical difficulties. Thankfully I’ve still managed to keep my mouth clean around my extremely traditional family – well, my immediate family… heh – but otherwise, it’s getting bad. I’ve been swearing so much that the words themselves are becoming meaningless. When I decided to relax my rigid views on profanity, I told myself that I wouldn’t let it get out of hand. This was partly because of lingering moral reasons, and partly because I think excessive swearing is unattractive and annoying… but mostly because I enjoy the shock factor a casual swear seems to invoke when it’s coming out of my mouth. After all, good girls never swear. =)

Also I had a panic attack recently. That was fun. And OF COURSE that had to happen right before a spell of lovely weather, and due to some self-harm that occurred during the attack I was unable to wear my pretty warm weather clothes! =( My memories of the attack are rather dark and fuzzy (and filled with an intense rushing sound, caused either by blood rushing to my brain, or my body alerting me to the fact that my head was preparing to combust in a spectacularly gory fireworks show) but I vaguely remember writing some poetry in an attempt to return to sanity. I reread the poem afterward, and dear goodness, that’s some scary stuff.

In a happier tone, I have not self-harmed for self-harm’s sake since February 24th. WIN. (Duh. Winning.)  The other day my mom asked me how I’ve been doing with all of that, and I was able to reply in good conscience that I believe I have weathered the withdrawal time and can no longer call it an addiction. I think I might actually be getting better.

You know, I started this post with my brain going absolutely crazy inside my skull and ten thousand ideas running around inside my head. I was all like “AHA! This post is gonna be EPIC.” Not so epic. It kind of turned into an update post, which I guess is okay; I can just say it’s my resolutions post. Because I woke up today and realized that today is May 1st! How crazy is that?!

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