Posted by: ImpendingDawn | June 28, 2011

PARANOIA. And hope, and other things that don’t make very interesting titles.

This is the fourth time in the past two and a half weeks that I have read or seen something referencing cutting, depression, or mental hospitals. And eating disorders have been brought up twice. I’m not really a person who believes in coincidences, and this feels like an attack to me. A terribly, terribly accurate attack.

Why is this happening right after I pass the four-month mark of no self-harm?

I’m not going to lie, an alarmingly large part of me misses being a cutter. It was nice to have a secret. It was nice to feel different.

But it’s better to feel alive. And I like that I’m starting to feel like a single coherent person, rather than someone shredded in two by logical thought and addictive impulses. So in the end, it doesn’t really matter whether this is actually an attack or merely a paranoid writer overanalyzing everything. What matters is the fact that I am getting stronger every day, and I am going to keep fighting this.

I will fight until I reach a point where I can see or read or hear references to issues that I struggle with and not feel the terrible urge to claw at my wrists or starve myself or lock myself in my room for weeks in order to wallow in a depressed, vegetative state. And once I can do that successfully, I will keep fighting until I am able to spend an entire day talking with someone about my past without feeling the need to resurrect it in the present.

AND MAYBE ONE DAY I CAN QUIT BEING SO PARANOID.

But probably not. Let’s stay realistic here.

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Responses

  1. You will fight and you will ultimately win. I just know it. I believe in you! Actually I don’t know what “ultimately win” entails but I do believe that you can beat this off each and every time it drags you down, even if it’s not a permanent solution. There may not be a permanent solution for us nutty, self destructive folk, but resilience is our best weapon. 🙂

    I’m kind of in the same spot with my ED. I AM genuinely enjoying how much healthier and alive I feel but the urge to restrict and restrict until I shrink into nothing is still there. Just keep reminding yourself how much better you feel without the self destructive stuff. And if you can’t find the will to do it for yourself, remember the people in your life who love you.


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