Posted by: ImpendingDawn | August 3, 2011

Pneumonia: Ruining My Grade 6 Spelling Test, Among Other Things

My brain is a strange thing. Sometimes it’s extremely selfish, and sometimes it’s selfless to the point of ridiculousness.

Currently, I am at home sick with a terrible case of pneumonia that I have most likely been attempting to fight it off for nearly a week with no medication, yet all I can think about is the fact that I have a responsibility to my workplace and I need to be there. How dumb is that?

Speaking of dumb, I’ve been struggling more and more with body image, yet I refuse to tell anyone other than my boyfriend (and he pretty much figured it out on his own). I look in the mirror and it seems like outrageous amounts of fat are taking over my body. People who are apparently anorexic and at a terribly unhealthy body weight look normal to me. It doesn’t make sense. What’s happening to my brain?

I just want to struggle through this on my own and save everyone else the burden of my petty problems. In my mind, the fact that one person knows is bad enough. He thinks I should tell my mother and get some help; I refused because I don’t want her to worry about me. She’s a wonderful mother and it’s not her fault I’m so messed up. It’s better if she doesn’t know. And in any case, this isn’t serious. I can get through it on my own. I’ll be fine.

But this is the kind of thinking I employed during my first few months of depression, and those few months turned into over four years. Do I really want to go through something like that all over again?

Also. I’ve avoided writing about the body image thing thus far because even though I started my blog so I could feel like I have somewhere safe to vent about my problems, I don’t want to write yet another depressing post for other people to read. Like I said, my brain is sometimes selfless to the point of ridiculousness.

But I should talk to my mom. I really should. And probably consider therapy. Hey, maybe if I can get all this depressing crud out of my system in therapy, you lovely WordPress people won’t have to hear about it anymore! Hehe.

P.S. Pneumonia was seriously the only word that I couldn’t remember how to spell in that stupid giant spelling test at the end of Grade 6. Let me tell you, I sure know how to spell it now. Erg.


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