Posted by: ImpendingDawn | August 31, 2011

Fuddy Old Men

This post was originally going to be titled ‘Finding Yourself After Depression’ but I decided that sounded like a useless self-help book written by a fuddy duddy old man. So there’s my explanation for the extremely random title.

Realization Time: I don’t know what I like anymore. The best I have is a vague idea. Most people spend their teen years figuring out what style of clothing they like, the type of music that speaks to them, and the activities they enjoy; I spent the majority of mine struggling to breathe despite a fog of despair. (Melodramatic much?)

Black or grey and very plain were my clothing requirements. Converse for footwear. I listened to a lot of rock, metal, and metalcore because it was the only type of music I could identify with. All I wanted to hear was something loud and angry; something that hurt my ears as much as the razors hurt my skin. And as for actually enjoying activities? Hmm. I liked taking pictures of fun times with my friends, because I was thankful for the break from my constant self-pity and my friends made me smile. And when things in my brain got really bad and I seemed to have lost the ability to smile, I was thankful that if my silence and my constant long sleeves caused anyone to wonder about my mental health, they could simply look at my Facebook pictures and convince themselves that I was just shy. Clearly I wasn’t depressed.

But now? Now I’m not depressed, which is a good thing. I don’t really know about anything else though.

Well… I know that I’m tired of the ever-present Converse and dark clothing. While I’m still not comfortable wearing a lot of color, I am definitely introducing a lot more of it to my wardrobe. Also I have bought several shoes that are NOT Converse. And I know that I like and can identify with genres besides various types of rock – indie and pop, for instance. Furthermore, I’ve realized that I don’t like rock simply because I can identify with the anger; I truly do love the tone of the vocals and the way the instruments mesh. I’m still learning what I enjoy in terms of activities, though. And due to the fact that I’ve basically been stuck in a rut for four years, I’m going to need to be okay with continuing to learn and change in all areas of my life.  

Life is a learning process though, right? Maybe I’m starting to learn these things a few years later than my peers, but oh well. There’s no rush. Not to mention that I’m 18 and beginning post-secondary, which is when people usually start reevaluating these things anyway.

So Imma go on an adventure of self-discovery! The kind of adventure far too epic for fuddy old men. Hehe.


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