Posted by: ImpendingDawn | January 2, 2012

Obligatory New Year Post

Oh, January. Here you are again.

I both love and hate making posts at times like this. Holidays or other important events always make me want to write, but I feel like such a fraud for writing only at these times. It wouldn’t be so bad if I still updated around 4 times a month like I used to, but I just don’t feel the need to write anymore. Sad making.

Anyway. This was quite the year. About 12 months ago I was severely depressed and trying to put a brave face on it. I spent a lot of time thinking and writing and trying to figure out the world, and not very much time  admitting the fact that I was drowning under the weight of my problems. Help was desperately needed but I just couldn’t seem to accept that. As a result, I set about making New Years Resolutions and promising myself that I wouldn’t fail at keeping them like I do every year.

Despite all my efforts, my depression and self harm only worsened as the weeks dragged on, and the relationship with God that I had committed to restoring simply stayed the same: stagnant. Finally, events and feelings in my life culminated to a point where I prayed every day… for death. I lingered at the edges of bridges and railings. I considered stepping in front of vehicles. Visions of slitting my wrists and waiting to die on my bathroom floor haunted me. Eventually I had to be talked out of swallowing a bottle of extra-strength Tylenol. It seemed like nothing would ever get better… until it did.

Honestly, I still don’t know what changed. Gradually the depression lifted and I started to feel normal again. In addition, I quit cutting. I made a promise to my boyfriend to stop self-harming for an entire month, and I succeeded. And after that month was over, I just kept clean. It was hard, and there were definitely setbacks and relapses, but I did it.

As the year went on, my mind became clearer and clearer. My relationship with my family improved drastically, as did my relationships with my two best friends, one of whom is my boyfriend. I also began a course focused on graphic design, and have found it challenging, yet extremely enjoyable. I absolutely love it. In addition, the friends I’ve made at post-secondary are some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I am extremely grateful to have them in my life.

Another thing I’m grateful for is therapy. After needing it for years, I found out that it’s available for free at my school. I’ve only been to a few appointments – and it was a huge struggle for me even walk in the door the first time – but I’ve found it rather enjoyable and pretty darn helpful. I’m also learning to talk about my feelings more often rather than simply bottling them up or taking them out on myself through cutting. There are good days and bad days, but on a whole I think I’m learning quickly and making huge strides towards improving my self-esteem, my health, and my life in general.

However, my life itself is improving but my relationship with God is not. In fact, I wouldn’t even say it’s a relationship at all. I’m extremely confused about my beliefs and I’m struggling constantly to reconcile several directly conflicting perspectives on how a believer should act and who God Himself really is. This has been a huge cause of stress and sorrow for me lately, but I’m hoping that everything will work out in the end.

And I’ll keep hoping. I’ll keep learning. I’ll keep improving.

This is going to be the best 2012 ever 😉


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