Posted by: ImpendingDawn | September 7, 2012

Hard Truths

Despite the fact that I have greatly expanded my circle of friends and feel infinitely more comfortable around people in general, I have never felt so alone.

I have become an agnostic.

I am losing my faith. I am losing my dreams. I am losing my comfort. I am losing my hope.

My past is a farce; how could I have wasted so much time searching for something – someONE – all evidence suggests doesn’t exist? My present is inconquerable; how can I cope when I can no longer trust the One I depended on completely? My future is meaningless; how do I create new goals when His plans were my only purpose?

My upbringing has conditioned me to believe that if I make the wrong decisions and don’t repent, I am going to hell. Am I to believe that God creates and professes to love us, then sends us to suffer for an eternity if we don’t obey Him completely? Am I to believe that we are all damned if we have a slightly different perspective than popularized Western Christianity? Can I with confidence look into the Bible to find answers to these questions?

No. I can’t. My research has led me to believe the majority of the Bible is completely inaccurate and consists mainly of religious material manipulated to serve the church’s purpose. And if God exists, I cannot – I simply CANNOT – reconcile the idea of a loving Creator with the somewhat maniacal tyrant that condemns anyone and everyone for the simplest mistakes.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m hurt and conflicted and angry and sad and constantly scrutinizing and reforming my opions. I guess my pastor would probably say I am “lost” or “searching”. I prefer the more accurate “fucking confused and trying to figure out what this damn life thing is all about”.

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